Divorce can be a turbulent and highly emotive process for anyone, and it is especially so when dealing with a partner who exhibits narcissistic patterns of behaviour. The term “narcissist” is commonly used in society but what does it really mean. There is a saying that all psychopaths are narcissists but not all narcissists are psychopaths.  For anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist and is attempting to divorce them, this fact may seem a small mercy.  Unfortunately, many successful people have significant narcissistic traits, therefore, we often deal with spouses in high-net-worth (HNW) and international divorces who are trying to escape a narcissist.

The term narcissist is used a great deal these days.  However, someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is very different from a person who enjoys posting selfies.  Often charming and personable in public (including the courtroom), someone with NPD can be controlling, superficial, manipulative, and downright dangerous.  Although the UK family law system is geared towards encouraging couples to work out financial settlements and arrangements for children between themselves or through mediation rather than going to Court, a narcissist will thrive on dragging out proceedings as long as possible.  Furthermore, someone with NPD is unlikely to ever admit they did anything wrong and will blame you for the relationship breaking down, meaning reaching an agreement outside of Court extremely difficult, if not impossible.  

To stay strong and sane, you need to instruct an experienced, tough solicitor who will refuse to engage with your spouse’s gameplaying and will tenaciously fight to ensure you and your children’s best interests are protected.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

NPD is a recognised mental illness.  According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), a guidebook used by mental health professionals, people with NPD have five or more of the below traits:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• A belief that one is special and can only be understood by or associate with special people or institutions
• A need for excessive admiration
• A sense of entitlement (to special treatment)
• Exploitation of others
• A lack of empathy
• Envy of others or the belief that one is the object of envy
• Arrogant, haughty behaviour, or attitudes

NPD will usually cause problems in everyday life, such as relationships and work. Identifying narcissistic traits isn’t always straightforward and for some it is only when they leave a relationship with a narcissist, they realise their ex had these traits. The impact NPD has had on them then truly comes to light. 

Like all mental health issues, narcissism is a spectrum.  People such as Bill Gates, Kayne West, Donald Trump, and Mariah Carey have all been accused of displaying narcissistic traits which may make them difficult to be married to.  However, this does not necessarily mean they have full-blown NPD. Regardless, navigating a relationship with a narcissist can be extremely challenging and this is only heightened when legal issues are involved, such as divorce and child arrangements. Characteristics a narcissist may exhibit during legal issues are: 

• The need to have total power and control; 
• Unwilling to compromise; 
• Always trying to “win”; 
• Minimising their previous behaviour; 
• Delaying or obfuscating the process; and 
• Lack of empathy. 

Negotiating financial settlements 

It can be extremely difficult to negotiate the terms of a financial settlement with someone with NPD. Many lack empathy and are unable to put themselves in someone else’s shoes and consider their needs. Furthermore, many narcissists use the divorce process to try and manipulate and control the situation. Although family law solicitors, especially those who are members of Resolution, try to help couples settle without going to Court, such an aim is often nearly impossible if one party is a narcissist.  

It can often be extremely frustrating trying to reach an agreement with a narcissist and you may think it is simply easier to let them have what they want in terms of the financial settlement so you and your children can get out of the situation and find some peace. A narcissist will often try and use financial tactics to leverage control, for example hiding assets, providing inadequate financial disclosure or attempting to prolong the matter. Rather than jeopardise your right to a fair financial settlement, it is possible to put in place safeguards to protect you, such as having all communications regarding your divorce go through your solicitor.  A solicitor experienced in HNW divorce will undoubtedly have come across narcissists many times and will have the emotional detachment and the strategies to sort out the financial settlement efficiently and effectively, regardless of any game-playing by your spouse.

Arrangements for children

Studies show that growing up with a narcissistic parent is incredibly damaging for a child and narcissistic parents can be emotionally distant, self-centred, neglectful and in some cases even abusive. Although narcissists are primarily focused on themselves, they may not hesitate to fight for your children to primarily reside with them in order to exert control or hurt you, and may make false accusations to bolster their narrative, such as alleging parental alienation. 

Co-parenting with a narcissist can be extremely difficult and it is important to put in place safeguards to protect both you and your children. This can include putting in place firm boundaries and communicating only through written means, for example through an app where tone of correspondence can be monitored.  

At Edwards Family Law we are well versed in such tactics and will, if required, organise for expert witness reports setting out the impact of the narcissistic parent’s behaviour on your children, especially if it tips over into abuse in terms of coercive and controlling behaviour.

In summary

Divorcing a narcissist is difficult for everyone involved.  More than ever, it is vital that you instruct a solicitor who is not only experienced in HNW divorce but also in managing cases where one spouse exhibits narcissistic traits. 

If you recognise these patterns please contact us so we can guide you through the process and protect you through this extremely difficult period of your life. 
“You will never get the truth out of a Narcissist. The closest you will ever come is a story that either makes them the victim or the hero, but never the villain.”
― Shannon L. Alder